My Superpower is Alienation

As many of my friends can attest, I have a tendency—some might call it a preternatural gift—for saying exactly the wrong thing in social settings.  I am almost never trying to be mean or upset anyone when this occurs.  Instead, there's a part of my brain that seems to say to me, "Hey.  You'll be really awesome if you say this."  This part of my brain is an idiot.  What it really means to say is, "You're going to sound like a giant asshole, and all of your friends are going to wonder why they continue to invite you out with them."

The more troublesome variety of this occurs when something shoots across my mind and I catch it before it comes out of my mouth.  Somewhere along the way, I realize it is a bad idea to say this particular thing.  However, rather than dropping the idea entirely, I will still feel the urge to say what I am thinking and try to phrase it "nicely."  This scenario leads to even more awkwardness than usual.  Most commonly, this happens when someone asks my opinion about something.  No one else will have told this person what they truly think, and so I am stuck looking like a jerk trying to explain that when I said that your haircut looks like you paid a special needs six-year-old to hack at your head with garden shears, I meant it in a good way.

One such occasion was when an acquaintance that was getting married showed me a picture of the wedding dress she was going to be wearing.  This woman is rather large, and, since no one has worn sleeves on a wedding dress since about 1983, her dress was sleeveless.  When she asked for my opinion, I told her that I thought the dress was nice but was curious if she had considered wearing a wrap.  She said, "No.  Why?"

I fumbled because I would be an even bigger jerk if I had said what I was thinking, which was something to the effect of how no one is going to pay any attention to her dress when they were so focused on those giant sacks of oatmeal that she was trying to pass off as arms.  Instead, with the grace of a manatee trying to ride a bicycle, I ended up sputtering out, "Because you might get cold."  The she reminded me that she was getting married in the summer.

In Texas.

Outdoors.

So I was left to bumble through an incredibly awkward conversation in which I finally let slip the following sentence: "I just thought you might look better in the dress if you wore something that covered your arms."

As soon as I heard the words, I knew I had made a huge mistake.  In retrospect, I know that I should have kept my mouth shut.  However, at the time, I felt like I was doing her a service by giving her the honest opinion that no one else would.  I hardly expected her to raise me over her head victoriously while chanting my name for telling her that her fat arms were going to make everyone nauseous, but I thought that she would appreciate my honesty.  She did not.  After a long argument where I tried to convince her that I really was only trying to help, I was informed that it might be best if I did not attend her wedding.

This is why I think there needs to be a service that allows people to anonymously tell others things that need to be heard.  No one likes to be told, "Yes, that tattoo will, in fact, make you look like an asshole" or "You should probably keep your baby covered up when you go out in public because it looks like a gremlin."  However, sometimes people just need to know these things, and no one will tell them.  Until such a service arrives, I suppose I will continue bearing the brunt of everyone's inability to share an honest opinion.  You're welcome.

(Disclaimer:  As I write this blog, my friends and acquaintances are probably going to notice that they will end up in here.  I hope that they will have a good sense of humor about things and realize that the ability to laugh at one's self is one of the things I love about my friends.  However, should you be one of those friends who lacks such a sense of humor, then I will tell you this:  I am most certainly not talking about you.  I meant that my other friend's mullet makes him look like a child molester.  Yours is simply majestic.)